Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Weight Loss and the Green Eyed Monster

As Halloween approaches and children search for the perfect costume the only monsters and goblins in sight should be the ones preparing for trick-or-treating night.  Unfortunately, this weekend while visiting with my family my weight loss was met head on by a monster... a green eyed monster! And you can call her Jealousy.

 My weight loss struggles have been very public and private battles that have left me at times feeling unpretty, unworthy, and invisible.  The inches and pounds almost mirror the pain and disappointment I've experienced over the past 20 or more years.  The ability of this family member to make my success and obvious happiness a competition about herself, suggesting I am somehow leaving her to hold the "fat crown" is one of the most jealous and insecure things I've seen her do thus far.  And boy have I seen her do plenty!

After surfing the net I realized that I'm not the only person with this very real and hurtful problem.  These same sentiments are echoed regarding co-workers and good friends.  When the perpetrator is a relative or a sister it takes on another meaning.  

Here is the skinny on what happened:

My sister hadn't seen me since I lost 46 pounds and we shared an awkward exchange at my niece's birthday party in which we got caught up on current events.  As other relatives poured into the building, one aunt in particular could barely speak before she gave me many accolades and acknowledged my weight loss.  My sister quickly jumped on the band wagon and said she knew something was different but didn't want to mention sister...didn't want to mention it? I was approximately 240lbs the last time she saw me and that day I was 205lbs!
Later at my parents house my sister told me that she didn't like how my face looks now and that it looks better the other way.  I didn't understand her or maybe I didn't want to believe what she was saying so I sought clarification. "So you want to see me with chubby need me to be chubby?"  She replied yes.

The next day she told me that my neck looked too skinny and that I "look like one of those people".  Growing short on patience I didn't indulge..
She informed me that the game was on now and that I won't be the only one losing weight.  She badgered my nine year old until she told her my workout routine and later I heard of a troubling conversation she had with my teenager at the party.  She told my daughter that I think that I'm jazzy but she is the cute one.

All these comments initially seemed mean and cruel but for where I am in my life now they are benign and I am unaffected. Unfortunately, most people on their weight loss journey are still somewhat fragile.  As I make my journey to become Happy Beyond Fit and discover more about myself I realize even more about the world and the people around me.  My sister's jealousy has nothing to do with me.  She feels as though she should be in front or ahead of me because of her own insecurities. My shortcomings have always been on display which made my shoulders easy to stand on to feel tall...especially when I felt unworthy myself and laid out a welcome mat.

Things I know are true:
  1. My sister loves me
  2. No one is perfect
  3. If we are good students of life, we evolve to increasing levels of self awareness as we mature
  4. Jealousy is always about the jealous person...not the target
  5. I love my sister
  6. My sister wants to see me healthy and alive and around to raise my children
  7. My sister has my full support if she chooses to embark on her own journey to become Happy Beyond Fit
  8. We don't choose our family but we can choose how we love them
  9. Forgiveness is an honest but selfish act, if you are wise
  10. I looked back over the pictures from the weekend and my sister is right...I am looking pretty jazzy these days!

Have you given the Green Eyed Monster in your life a hug today?

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